The X-Files: The Weakest Link

By Sculegolitly & AMAC251 


HOST: "It's time to play "The Weakest Link," with our 
guests Mulder, Scully, Skinner, Doggett, Langly, Reyes, and 
The Cigarette Smoking Man. Get your fingers ready!  We'll 
start with the strongest performance from Season 8 - That 
would be the Cigarette Smoking Man because he was smart 
enough to stay away...Smokey, what was Joan of Arc's last 
words as she was burned on the stake?"  

CSM: (~gasp~, *choke, cough...) 

HOST: "Surpisingly correct. Next up, Mulder; what was the 
famoust star of the X-Rated film "Debbie Does Dallas"? 

MULDER: "That's easy; Linda Lovelace" 

HOST: (sarcastically)"NOT so surpisingly correct. Langly, 
what common substance dissolves dirt when mixed with water 
while bathing?" 

LANGLY: "I have NO idea." 

HOST: "Obviously. The answer is "soap". Scully, what famous 
FOX celebrity's rash life choices led to the end of his 
short career in 2001?" 

SCULLY: "umn, David Duchoveny?" 

MULDER: "HEY!" 

HOST: "Wrong, Robert Downey Junior. Skinner, what is the 
birthstone for the month of August?" 

SKINNER: (tenaciously) "Why did I receive that question?" 

HOST: "Do you always answer every question with another 
question?" 

SKINNER: "Is this some kind of set-up?" 

HOST: "Oh, never mind. The answer was "sardonyx". Monica 
Reyes, what is the mating call of the blue whale?" 

REYES: "hmmmnnph, mwwwnnnhhh-mwwwnnnhhh?" 

HOST: "That is correct, and very attractive might I add...
Next up, Doggett; Who wrote the Pulitzer Prize Winner, 'The 
Executioner's Song'?" 

DOGGETT: (with a strong New York detective accent) "I don't 
know, but I'm gonna find him if it takes me the rest of my 
life!" 

HOST: "Don't get your knickers in a knot. It was Norman 
Mailer. It's time to vote off the weakest link. (waits 15 
seconds)... Now, who's involved with the FBI because they 
have no central intelligence? Langly, who is your vote for 
the weakest link?" 

LANGLY: "I voted for Miss Reyes, because that sound really 
bothered me." 

HOST: "Right then, Miss Reyes, who was your vote?" 

REYES: "The Cigarette Smoking Man. I just get a bad feeling 
about him." 

HOST: "That's because he's supposed to be dead. Skinner, 
who did you vote off?" 

SKINNER: "I said CSM too. I also get a bad vibe from him, 
and the smoke is bothering my musculature." 

HOST: "Well, we mustn't have that. Mulder, who do you say 
must go?" 

MULDER: "I say Doggett. I know he got the most questions 
right, but I feel threatened by him for some reason." 

DOGGETT: "Because I'm a better actor, better G-Man, I've got 
a better bod, and I'll be doing Scully all next season. 
That's why!" 

MULDER: "Why don't you go melt somewhere?" 

HOST: "Settle down boys. Scully, who did you vote off?" 

SCULLY: "I said 'Mulder' since he has no interest in staying 
anyway." 

HOST: "A wise choice. Doggett, your vote will obviously be 
for Mulder. How about you, Mr. Smokestack?" 

CSM: "hecchhh, gasssp, MULDER MUST DIE! (sucks some oxygen 
from a mask) 

HOST: "Very well then, Mr. Mulder, with three votes and 
although you have the cutest bum, YOU ARE THE WEAKEST LINK! 
GOODBYE!" 


Round 2: 

Host: Welcome to the next round of competition! I must 
remind the contestants that you failed to bank anything
in the last round and remain at a score of zero. Only money 
banked can be won. Do you all understand? 

Langly: I don't trust banks. 

Scully: Mulder and I once died many times in a bank. 

Skinner: Is this bank a branch of "Craddock Marine"? 

Host: Enough! We will start with the strongest link from 
the last round and that would be Ms. Reyes. 

Reyes: I had a feeling that would happen. 

Host: Quiet! Here is your question. What is the first thing 
you check for to determine if a person is dead? 

Reyes: A renewal notice on their contract. 

Host: Wrong! You check for a pulse or for bumps on the back 
of their neck! Mr. Doggett... 

Doggett: Yes! 

Host: How often should clean your service revolver? 

Doggett: Everytime there is a NASCAR race on television. 

Host: Correct! Mr. Smoking Person... 

CSM: (wheezing) what? 

Host: Which of the Lone Gunmen do you want to kill the most? 

CSM: I really hate that Frohike guy...he gets more women 
than I do. 

Host: Correct! Mr. Langly... 

Langly: Yeah... 

Host: What is the most commonly purchased clothing item for 
the demographic group of 14 - 21 year olds? 

Langly: That would be the t-shirt. 

Host: Correct! Ms. Scully... 

Scully: Yes... 

Host: Who is the father of your child? 

Scully: Bank! 

Host: The rules state you must say "bank" before you hear 
the question. 

Scully: That is my answer. 

Host: What is your answer? 

Scully: Bank. 

Host: Bank? 

Scully: The father came from the bank! 

Host: That is incorrect! Mr. Skinner... 

Skinner: I didn't do it! 

Host: Your question is...Why did you shoot Alex Krycek? 

Skinner: I didn't shoot Alex Krycek! 

Host: That is correct! It is now time to vote off the 
weakest link.  Which one of you needs to return to the FBI 
and become Kersch's "whipping boy"? (15 second wait) 

Host: Let's see how the votes came out. Ms. Reyes? 

Reyes: I voted for Kersch. I get a bad feeling about him. 

Host: Kersch isn't here Ms. Reyes. Mr. Doggett? 

Doggett: I vote for Langly. 

Host: Why? 

Doggett: I don't like his t-shirts. 

Host: Mr. Smoking Person? 

CSM: I voted for Reyes. 

Host: Why? 

CSM: She annoys me. 

Host? Mr. Langly? 

Langly: I voted for Doggett. 

Host: Why? 

Langly: He looks better in a t-shirt than I do. 

Host: Ms. Scully? 

Scully: I voted for Reyes. 

Host: Why? 

Scully: The office is too crowded! Besides, three people 
won't fit into the front seat of a car and no one wants to 
sit in the back when we go to investigate cases. 

Host: Ms. Reyes...with the most votes, you Are the weakest 
link.  GOODBYE! 


HOST: "Welcome back. Once again, NOBODY managed to bank any 
money in Round 2. The only people making less money are 
those at ten-thirteen." 

ALL IN UNISON: "HEY!!" 

HOST: "The truth hurts...Well, let's start with the 
strongest player in round 2; that would be Mr. Doggett. 
What movie holds the record for first day ticket-sales?" 

DOGGETT: "Terminator II?" 

HOST: "Oh, get over yourself. The answer is Juraissic Park. 
Scully-" 

SCULLY: "Bank!" 

HOST: "Very good. Now you are getting the hang of it." 

SCULLY: "No, I was just thinking 'bank' and having a deja-
vu." 

HOST: "Regardless, here is your question: What exactly is 
the name of your hair color?" 

SCULLY: "That would be Red Dawn #12 Ann" 

HOST: "Your answer is correct; your color is all wrong, 
though. Langly, how do you write your name in binary code?" 

LANGLY: "Easy...00101001010010100000" 

HOST: "I'll take your word for it. Skinner, how would one 
increase body tone with free weights?" 

SKINNER: "More repetitions, less sets." 

HOST: "That is right, and you've obviously done this 
(eyeing him up). Mr. Smokestack, are William B. Davis, and 
Ann B. Davis of the Brady Bunch related?" 

CSM: (gagging)"How should I know?" 

HOST: "I don't know; I've just always wondered. Alternate 
question: What is the modern name of Constantinople?"

CSM: (confident)"hecchhh...Istanbul" 

HOST: "Correct. It's that time again...Who's brain is so 
atrophied they could write for 'Roswell'?...It's time to 
vote off...the weakest link. (wait 15 seconds) Well Langly, 
who did you vote for?" 

LANGLY: "Scully." 

HOST: "But she got all her questions right..." 

LANGLY: "Oh, you meant who did I vote for the WEAKEST LINK. 
I thought we were talking about the Academy Awards. I mean, 
c'mon; Erin Brokovich?" 

HOST: "I couldn't agree with you more, Mr. Langly. However, 
you did write Scully on your board. How about you Dogbrea- 
er, Dogget?" 

DOGGETT: (disgruntled) "How would you like me to vote YOU 
off?" 

HOST: "Oh, dear, I've upset you...too bad! Now, whom did 
you choose as the weakest link?" 

DOGGETT: "Langly. He's too threatening, and the two freaks 
in the audience keep doing the wave." 

FROHICKE AND BYERS: (dancing around, chanting) "GO LANGLY, 
ITSYOURBIRTHDAY, GO LANGLY, ITSYOURBIRTHDAY..."

HOST: "Truly annoying. But I digress, Scully..." 

SCULLY: "I voted off the Cigarette-Smoking Man." 

HOST: "And why?" 

SCULLY: "Well, he's responsible for the death of my sister, 
he had me abducted by aliens, gave me Cancer, harvested my 
ova, tortured my partner, and possibly took advantage of me 
in Season 7." 

CSM: (smoking through his stoma) "Trust me, if I did you, 
you'd never forget it." 

HOST: "And your vote, Marlboro Man?" 

CSM: "That Langly creature is my vote too." 

FROHICKE AND BYERS (chanting again) "Booooooo!" 

HOST: "That leaves Mr. Skinner-" 

SKINNER: "BANK!" 

HOST: (obviously frustrated) "No, Igor, you can't bank a 
vote!" 

SKINNER: "Sorry, it slipped. I vote for Langly too." 

HOST: "Right, then, Langly, with three votes you ARE the 
WEAKEST LINK. GOODBYE!" 


Round 4 

Host: Welcome to Round 4! I once again remind you that no 
one has banked any money. Only money banked can be taken 
home by the winner. 

Scully: I don't go to the bank...I keep dying everytime I 
go! 

Doggett: Is that why you always send me to cash your 
paychecks? 

Scully: You didn't want to go? 

Doggett: Well, I'd do anything to get out of Skinner's 
boring meetings. 

Skinner: Hey! 

Doggett: Oh come on! You should listen to yourself....
blah...blah...blah...aliens....blah....blah....blah....
black oil...blah...blah...blah...conspiracies...none of it 
makes sense! 

Host: Enough! We will start with the strongest person from 
the last round...that would be you Mr. Skinner. 

Skinner: I keep telling you...it's the weights! 

Host: Quiet! You can show me after the show. Now, your 
questions is as follows. I am holding in my hand a remote-
control device sent anonymously to our production studios. 
Who does this device belong to? 

Skinner: It is mine! (reaching for it) 

Host: That is incorrect! (pulling it away) 

CSM: Hey...(cough...wheeze) ...that is mine! 

Skinner: Why, you dirty bas..... 

Host: That is enough gentlemen! We will discuss the terms 
under which this remote-control device can be purchased 
after the show. In the meantime, I remind you that nobody 
has yet to bank any money in which to purchase this device. 

All: Bank! 

Host: Not yet...I have not moved on to the next person. 
(turning) Mr. Doggett! 

Doggett: I don't want to go to the bank right now. 

Host: Your question is, how many X-File case folders are 
currently filed in your office? 

Doggett: One thousand two hundred and seventy nine. 

Host: That is correct! 

Doggett: I have read them all. 

Host: How informative! 

Doggett: No..really! Ask me, I can tell you about any of 
them. There is even this really cool one on Scully! 

Scully: Hey! 

Host: Mr. Smoking Person! 

CSM: (wheezing) What? 

Host: Even though you have been shot in the head and pushed 
down a flight of stairs having been in the end-stages of 
terminal cancer, why haven't you died? 

CSM: Nobody really dies on the X-Files. 

Host: That is correct! 

Mulder: (from off stage) Is that why you guys buried me in 
the cold, cold ground and left me there for three months? 

All: shut up! 

Host: Ms. Scully! 

Scully: Bank! 

Host: Finally! Someone is finally figuring out how to do 
this!  Your question is, What was the name of the person 
Chris Carter took to his Junior Prom? 

Scully: Uh....(thinking through every X-Files episode 
trying to find some hint) 

Host: Time is running out. 

Scully: Uh.....(panicking).....Leyla Harrison! 

Host: That is incorrect! The answer is Anne Robinson. I was 
the 42nd person he asked and the only one to agree to go 
with him. Mulder's apartment is numbered after me! 

All: Oh! That explains it! 

Host: Now it is time to vote off the weakest link from this 
round!  Who is about to be filed under the X in exit? (wait 
15 seconds.) 

Host: Mr. Doggett. 

Doggett: I voted for the smoking guy. 

Host: Why? 

Doggett: I don't believe him when he says that nobody ever 
dies. I have seen lots of people die on the X-Files. Scully 
even cuts them open. 

Host: Mr. Smoking man. 

CSM: I vote for Skinner. 

Host: Why? 

CSM: I want that remote-control device back! 

Host: Ms. Scully 

Scully: I once again vote for the cigarette smoking man. 

Host: Why? 

Scully: He is a threat to my child. 

CSM: You have no idea! 

Scully: See?! 

Host: Mr. Skinner. 

Skinner: Bank! 

Host: It is too late to bank. Who do you vote for? 

Skinner: That cigarette smoking bast.... 

Host: I'm not even going to ask why. Mr. Smoking Man...you 
ARE the weakest link! Goodbye! 

CSM: (grabbing oxygen tank and staggering off stage) You all 
just wait!...I'll be back...when you least expect it too!


Round 5: 

Host: Welcome back to round 5. In all of the previous 
rounds you have only banked 1,000 dollars. Remember...only 
money banked can be taken home by the winner. We will start 
with the strongest link from the last round, that would be 
Mr. Doggett. 

Doggett: It is about time I started getting recognition 
around here. 

Scully: You had your chance with Kersch...you blew it! 

Doggett: I was just trying to protect you and your little 
"J. Edgar". 

Scully: You nearly got us both killed. 

Host: Enough! Mr. Doggett, which aliens bleed green colored 
blood? 

Doggett: That's easy! Dollars to doughnuts it is what these 
jokers here refer to as the Alien Bounty Hunters. 

Host: That is correct! Ms. Scully? 

Scully: Yes. 

Host: What is the correct manner to treat someone who has 
been exposed to the green blood and suffered adverse 
affects? 

Scully: Throw them in a tub of cold water until their 
partner shows up. Shock their heart back into beating using 
a defibrilator. Treat them with a course of anti-virals for 
5 - 7 days while sitting by their bedside holding their 
hand. When they wake up...pretend like you are really 
annoyed with them. 

Host: That is correct! You must be an excellent doctor. 

Doggett: Yeah! Right! Mulder gets a little scratch on his 
forehead and she is all over him with antibiotics and 
butterfly bandages. I get shot in the face and she hardly 
looks in my direction. 

Scully: Hey! I had my mind on other things at that time! 

Host: Enough! Mr. Skinner? 

Skinner: I didn't do it! 

Host: We know that Mr. Skinner. Your question is, What 
foreign country has recently been exposed as possibly 
having joined in a conspiracy to allow aliens to secretly 
infiltrate the American society and colonize it for the 
purposes of taking it over? 

Skinner: O.K....I should know this one...(looking at Scully) 
is Greenland a foreign country?...(beginning to panic) 

Host: You are running out of time Mr. Skinner. 

Skinner: Texas! 

Host: Excuse me? 

Skinner: My answer is Texas. 

Host: Texas is not a foreign country, Mr. Skinner. In fact,
the newly elected President of the United States comes from 
Texas. 

Skinner: (looking at Scully and Doggett with horror...) Has 
anybody thought to check HIM out and see what connections 
he has to these colonization attempts. We could be in a lot 
of trouble here! 

Scully: (looking at Doggett) Isn't his family associated 
with oil production? 

Doggett: We may have our next X-File here! 

Host: Enough! It is now time to vote off the weakest link 
from this round. Who is in need of a replicant replacement 
as they will be too ashamed to go back to work at the FBI? 
(wait 15 seconds) Mr. Doggett, who did you vote for? 

Doggett: I voted for Skinner. 

Host: Why? 

Doggett: He hasn't been the same since that whole elevator 
incident and his concussion. I think he got out of the 
hospital too early. 

Host: Ms. Scully? 

Scully: I voted for Skinner. 

Host: Why? 

Scully: He's always putting us in danger. It was HIS fault 
Mulder got abducted in the first place and the last thing I 
heard was he shot Krycek in the face. He's too dangerous to 
keep around. 

Host: Mr. Skinner? 

Skinner: What? (looking down) 

Host: Who did you vote for, Mr. Skinner. 

Skinner: I voted for myself. 

Host: Why would you do that Mr. Skinner? 

Skinner: Scully and Doggett are right. Besides, I need to 
get backstage and take care of some unfinished business 
there. 

Host: Very well, you ARE the weakest link. Goodbye! 


Round 6 

Host: Welcome back! In this, our final round, Ms. Scully 
and Mr. Doggett will be competing for the $1,000 dollars 
that was banked earlier. Each of you will be asked three 
questions. Whoever answers the most questions correctly, 
will win the $1,000 dollars. Do you both understand? 

Doggett: Hey, we're government employees...can we accept
that kind of money? 

Scully: Speak for yourself! I have a lot of diapers and 
baby clothes to buy. My mother gave me a stupid shower and 
all I got are toys that the baby refuses to look at. 

Doggett: Hey! I wasn't invited to the shower! 

Scully: YOU were busy getting Mulder thrown through a 
window. 

Host: Enough! It is a wonder the two of you get anything 
accomplished on this project you currently share! We will 
start with Mr. Doggett as he has answered the most correct 
questions througout the previous rounds of competition. Mr.
Doggett? 

Doggett: Yes. 

Host: When your partner is hospitalized, when is the most 
appropriate time to visit this partner and what should you 
do while visiting? 

Doggett: (looking nervously at Scully) You should wait until 
your partner is asleep and you should stand by her bed 
looking at her until something "important" happens. 

Host: That is surprisingly correct! Ms. Scully? 

Scully: Yes. 

Host: If your partner is missing, how long should you wait 
before turning over your partner's desk to your new 
partner? 

Scully: (looking nervously off stage) Well...If you plan to 
ignore your new partner and investigate cases by yourself, 
you should turn the desk over immediately to him, but call 
the desk every day to see what your new partner is doing 
with the desk. 

Host: That is correct! Mr. Doggett. 

Doggett: Yes. 

Host: What is the appropriate attire for male FBI agents on 
"dress down Fridays"? 

Doggett: It is appropriate to move your weapon from a 
shoulder holster to a belt holster...but you still must 
keep your cell phone inside your pocket except for when you 
are using it. 

Host: That is correct! Ms. Scully? 

Scully: Yes. 

Host: What is the appropriate attire for female agents on 
"dress down Fridays"? 

Scully: It is appropriate to unbutton the top two buttons 
on your blouse. If you will be getting shot that day, you 
must wear a white blouse with a black bra underneath. 

Host: That is correct! You are both tied at two correct 
answers a piece. Mr. Doggett: 

Doggett: Yes. 

Host: Do aliens really exist? 

(Scully smiles broadly and looks at Doggett) 

Doggett: (beginning to really sweat) Well...I've never seen 
an alien...although some people think I have...I have seen 
people that act rather alien...but that doesn't mean they 
are really alien...it could just mean they are on some sort 
of powerful drug. 

Host: We are waiting for your answer, Mr. Doggett. 

Doggett: (breaking down) Yes! Yes! They do exist! I have 
just been afraid to admit it to myself! 

Host: That is correct! Ms. Scully? 

Scully: Yes. (giving Doggett a strange look) 

Host: What is the average life span of a television 
character whose actor portraying the character has an 
excellent contract negotiation lawyer working for him/her? 

Scully: Nine years. 

Host: Oh, I am so sorry! The correct answer is 8 years. 

Mulder: (from offstage) Ha! 

Host: That means our Mr. Doggett is the winner of the 
$1,000 dollars. Congratulations Mr. Doggett! 

Doggett: Why has it taken me this long to admit in to the 
existence of aliens? Scully? Scully? 

Host: She has left the stage Mr. Doggett. 

Doggett: (pulling out his weapon and aiming at the host) 
What have you done with her? I never should have trusted 
you! Why do I trust people? They all try to hurt me, 
especially in parking garages! 

Host: That concludes our special edition of The Weakest 
Link.  Join us next week when we will be featuring the cast 
of The West Wing!* Goodbye! 


*Please don't e-mail me asking me for West Wing Weakest 
Link - I don't have it, it wasn't written as far as I know,
it's just a line in a fic.*