The X-Files Dating Game By Kamakaze HOST: Welcome to the Dating Game! The show where one lucky fella wins a date with a voluptuous sex-kitten! Scully: What did you call me? HOST: (ignoring her) Let's meet our first bachelorette! She's an F.B.I. Agent who spends her days hunting down mutants and her nights (voice drops to a cheesy tone) rubbing baby lotion on her soft porcelain skin. Her name is Dana Scully! (From behind the screen and from the audience, cat calls and whistles can be heard) Scully: (hopping off of stool) Where the hell does it say that? That's not what I wrote down! (Cameramen gently push Scully back to her seat) HOST: Now let's meet our bachelors! Bachelor number one - tell us about yourself! Mulder: Um, I too am an FBI agent. My hobbies are fish, baseball, and um ... artsy films - Bachelors #2 & #3: *coughs*porn*coughs* Mulder: Hey shut up! (clearing throat) I'm also into video games and the relentless search for the truth - the truth we've both known all along, Scully. Scully: What the hell are you talking about? HOST: (cheesy laugh) Now now, you'll have your opportunity to ask questions later, Dana, baby. Scully: It's SCULLY, you greasy, toupee wearing sh- HOST: All right! Now let's meet Bachelor number #2! Tell us about yourself! Doggett: Like Muldah, I'm an FBI agent. I like guns, cars, Arnold Schawrzenegger movies and flower pressing. Mulder & Bachelor #3: *snicker* Doggett: Hey, do you find something funny? DO I AMUSE YOU?!? I could kick both your as-- HOST: Settle down, boys! You'll have your chance to fight over this filly later! Scully: I'll kick your ass if you don't knock that off! HOST: And bachelor number three? Frohike: (sheilding his face) Get that camera off of me! I don't want my face broadcast! Doggett: Yeah, give this guy a bag to put over his head. Mulder: It'll be better for everyone all around, trust me. (Frohike appears on camera, holding a big blue dot on a stick in front of his face) Frohike: That's better, now what was the question? HOST: Tell us about yourself. Bachelor #3! Frohike: Well for one, I'm a sex machine. I like hot chicks with guns for fun times, computer hacking, and like Mulder here, I'm searching for the truth. Mulder: The truth we've both known all along. Frohike: Are you talking to me? Mulder: No, I'm talking to Scully. Scully: I still don't know what he's talking about. Frohike: Oh .... Scully's hot. Mulder: Yes, very hot. I've seen her naked. Scully: What??? Frohike: No you haven't! You made that up - ripped the whole story out of Penthouse. Doggett: Scully's seen me naked. Mulder & Frohike: (shocked) When???? Doggett: While you were off being probed - she got a real sweet look at my chiselled buttocks. Scully: Wait a minute -- Mulder: You are SO lying! Scully would never look at another man's ass! HOST: All right, you stallions - Doggett: Oh yeah? She got a real good look at mine. HOST: Boys - Frohike: How come I'm the only one who hasn't had any naked time with Scully? Mulder: Well .... Scully's seen my entire package! HOST: All right! Calm down! One way or another, one of you will be seeing Scully naked tonight. Scully: WHAT??? This wasn't what I signed up for! I'm gonna rip your throat out -- (Cameramen hold Scully back, behind the screen Doggett, Mulder and Frohike make cat-fight noises, and the host leaps out of harm's way) HOST: Stay tuned, because when we come back, our pretty little vixen -- Scully: ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!! HOST: --will question her potential love-muffins to decide who she want to do the bouncy bouncy with tonight! Scully: [censored] [COMMERCIAL BREAK ENDS] HOST: Welcome back to the dating game! We're here with Dana Scully, who's had a slight change of clothes since our commercial break! Doesn't she look pretty??? (cuts to Scully, who's wearing a Hannibal Lecter mask and a strait-jacket) Scully: I'm going to get you for this. HOST: (ignoring her again) Dana Scully, are you ready to chose your bachelor? Scully: If I do, can I get out of here sooner? HOST: Of course! You and your bachelor will be spending the night at the Hunka Hunka Burnin' Lurve hotel in Las Vegas - complete with king-size vibrating bed and heart-shaped bathtub! Frohike: Sweet! HOST: All courtesy of ACME Television! Now, sweetheart, what's your first question? Scully: (glares at HOST and squirms) Bachelor number one: What would be your ideal date? HOST: That's not very original. Scully: Oh shut up! Bachelor number one? Mulder: Well, first of all we'd get in my car and go looking for crop circles, then we'd camp out at a haunted house, maybe take a camping trip and see if we can find those three kids who went missing while looking for the Blair Witch -- Frohike: How many times have I told you? It's a freaking movie! Doggett: I thought it sucked - stick figures .... what was that all about? Mulder: (to Doggett) Shut up! It was brilliant! (to Frohike) And that's what they want you to believe! They were taken! TAKEN, I TELL YOU! Scully: Can you just get on with it, please? Mulder: Sorry .... anyway, where was I? Oh, right. Camping out - then we'd go back to my place and look at my slides of mutilated cows. Scully: That sounds .... exciting. Bachelor number two? Doggett: Unlike my weenie friend, Muldah, here, I'd take you on a REAL date. We'd go to my favorite steak house, eat a couple of T-bones, knock back a few frosty ones Then we'd go have some fun, maybe Monster-Truck racing or WWF Wrestling - you know, that Chyna is one foxy lady. Frohike: She's hot. Not as hot as Debra, though. WOOF!! Mulder: Trish is hotter. ROOOWWRRR!!! (Scully rolls her eyes) Doggett: You're both wrong! Chyna's the hottest of the three, and she can kick both your asses! Anyway, Scully, after that I'd take you back to my place and show you my big gun. Scully: Pfffftttt, sure. What about you, #3? Frohike: Two words, baby - whipped cream! (Audience hoots, and Scully groans, still gruggling against her strait jacket) HOST: Wow! That sounds hot, Bachelor #3! Don't you think that sounds hot, Scully? Scully: (rolling her eyes) Oh yes, so hot, take me now baby, oh yes. HOST: Allrighty! When we come back, Scully's going to finish with her questions and we'll find out which one of these stallions she'll chose to clean her pipes! Scully: Oh jeez - can you take this mask off? I'm drooling all over myself here. HOST: Sorry, sweet cheeks! If you hadn't bitten our cameraman, Phil ..... [CUT TO COMMERCIAL] [COMMERCIAL BREAK ENDS] HOST: And we're back to the dating game. This feisty red- head, Dana Scully, is going to choose between these three luscious studs! (cut to luscious studs: Mulder's caught picking his nose, and stops when he realizes the camera is on him, looking sheepish; Doggett's making his Clint Eastwood face - oh come on, you all know the face I'm talking about!; and Frohike's making kissy faces at the camera while wiggling his eyebrows oh-so-seductively.) HOST: Dana Scully, what is your next question? Scully: (front of her power suit covered in spit) Bachelor number one: What's your favorite attribute in a woman? Mulder: Her neck. I just love pushing the hair back and away from a slender neck, nibbling on it, looking for implants, bumps ... the replacements! I must tell the world about the replacements! Doggett: Here he goes ... next he'll be blathering on about little green men. Mulder: THEY'RE NOT GREEN! THEY'RE GREY!!!! AND WE ARE NOT ALONE!! THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE!!! Scully: All right! Enough already! Bachelor #2? Doggett: Hands down, her hooters. Frohike: YOU DA MAN!!! Scully: And Bachelor #3? Frohike: While I agree with Doggett here that hooters are an important appendage, but I'm a leg man myself. There's nothing like a pair of short, stubby legs to get me going. HOST: Looks like Frohike has you down to a tee. Scully: I do NOT have stubby legs! And I prefer the term "vertically challenged" HOST: Whatever you say! Next question, Dana baby? Scully: (through gritted teeth) Bachelor #1, if you were a muppet, which would you be? Mulder: I'd be Gonzo, because he too is on a quest to find the truth about life on other planets, the truth about who he really is, and the truth we've both known all along, Scully. Scully: Why do you keep saying that? Mulder: Because THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE! Doggett: I can think of another thing you have in common with Gonzo *tapping his nose* Frohile: I'm surprised he didn't pick one of those pigs from space. Mulder: (snorting) That's just silly - pigs don't come from space. Chinchillas - now THOSE things come from space. There's NOTHING worldy about those things. Scully: Umk ... o .... k..... bachelor #2? Doggett: I'd be Sweetums. (Mulder and Frohike stare) Mulder: Isn't that the hippy chick in the band? Doggett: No! It's that guy who hangs out with the little frog. Frohike: I believe that's Kermit. Doggett: No - Jeez you guys don't know anything. Sweetums was the big mean hairy thing. Didn't take no crap off of anyone. Frohike: Neither did Miss Piggy - does that mean you're comparing yourself to Miss Piggy? Doggett: Did I say I was comparing myself to Miss Piggy, you twerp? Scully: Can we move on please? My nose is itching and the sooner we finish this up, the sooner I can scratch it. #3? Frohike: I'd be Animal - the name says it all, baby! Mulder: Actually you look more like Scooter to me. Doggett: Nah - he looks more like Pepe Frohike: I do not! I look like a God! Mulder: The shrimp? Doggett: Excuse me, Gonzo, but he's a prawn. There's a difference. You know who looks like Scooter? Langly. Langly: (from the audience) Screw you, Dog-boy! Mulder: Yeah! And Byers looks like Beaker! Frohike: I'm a love machine! Doggett: You know who Skinner looks like? Mulder & Doggett: (in unison) Doctor Bunsen Honeydew! Mulder: Hey, did you ever think Miss Piggy was hot? Doggett: Actually, no. Spamela Anderson does it for me. Frohike: Spamela Anderson is hot. Scully: (to host) Do I REALLY have to go out with one of these guys? HOST: Yes you do, Scully! Now when we come back, we're going to find out who Scully's going to choose to wear the Miss Piggy costume for. Scully: You're a dead man. [COMMERCIAL BREAK] [COMMERCIAL BREAK ENDS] HOST: And we're back! Scully, the time has come. Who will you choose? Will it be #1? (Cut to Mulder, who's doing a pathetic attempt at trying to look sexy, but in actuality looks more like he's constipated) HOST: Or will it be #2? (Cut to Doggett, who's flexing) HOST: Or will it be Frohike? (Cut to Frohike, who's waving a can of whipped cream and licking his lips) HOST: Scully - who will it be? Scully: (wiping her chin on her shoulder) Well, I'm definitely not going to choose #2. Doggett: Why not?!?!? Scully: Because you didn't like The Blair Witch - I think you're afraid of strong women, and Heather, while a little too power hungry and controlling, was clearly a strong woman. And plus you didn't get the symbolism of the stick figures. Doggett: Did you? Scully: Um .... that's beside the point! If I went out with you, you're probably tell me that at the end of "Titanic" the old lady died. Doggett: Well she did. Scully: No she didn't! She was sleeping! She was dreaming of her beloved Jack, you moron! Doggett: Fine! I don't like short chicks anyway! Mulder & Frohike: Ha ha! Scully: And I'm not picking #3. Mulder: YES!!!! Frohike: Why not? I'm hot! You're hot! What's the problem?? Scully: What's the problem? I'll tell you what the problem is. Do you think I don't see Langly and Byers holding up that "FOURSOME!!!" sign up there? I'm not into that kinky stuff! Frohike: Dammit! HOST: It looks like Bachelor #1 is the winner! (cut to Mulder, who's bum-dancing in his chair. Cameraman Phil, who's face is bandaged, reluctantly undoes Scully's restraints) HOST: Bachelor #1, you and Dana will be spending one steamy night at the Hunka Hunka Burning -- Scully: Wait a minute, I didn't say I was picking Bachelor #1 .... HOST: Er .... what do you mean? You have to pick one of them. Scully: No, I don't! I just agreed to come on this show because my mother's been on my back lately about finding a husband and a father for Meepmork! (pulls off strait jacket) Mulder: But ... but ... I thought we were going to look at slides! If you're not into cattle mutilations we can always look at slides of the Loch Ness Monster! Scully: Sorry #1, but you're on your own. It's time I came clean, told the world the truth. Mulder: The truth we've both known all along? Scully: No! The rumors are true! I can't deny it anymore! (runs over to the audience) Scully: Monica! I love you, Boopie!!! Reyes: (running down the isle) I love you too!! (they embrace) Doggett: Oh jeez ... This is damn weird. Mulder: THIS IS NOT HAPPENING!!!! Frohike: Sweet! HOST: Well this has been an ... interesting ... show! Mulder: I should have run off to Reno with Krycek when he'd asked me! Reyes: Will you wear the Hannibal mask for me, Snooky? HOST: Tune in next time for another edition of The Dating Game! Scully: And the whipped cream - anything for you, Boopie. Doggett: Hey Muldah - wanna get a beer? Mulder: Do you believe in the truth? The truth we've both known all along? Doggett: Yeah ... Whatever. [CREDITS ROLL]