Things you will never hear Doggett say...

As seen on a thread at the OS forum. I take no credit. They were written by EEVEE21, LADYDISASTER, XFILESFTF, Lone Gunwoman #38, ~k~, ALISON2433, SAXON1014, BAD_BLOOD, KIMLUVSJD, CSMISBACK, NONPHILE, SVCFROG, KAM1978, SARAH_PRIOR, UPTOOLATE100, THEEAGLE4 , Amanda, TIRDUJ, Mandy, KEEPMULDER, LENOCKA, C7461, DEFORM_LUX, Ocean, SLAYEE2001, Rose and Jo. I just had to put these up because they were so hysterical! Don't believe me? Just *try* to picture him saying some of these. :D

*WARNING* Choking hazard. Do not attempt to eat while reading this page!

Things you will never hear John Doggett say:

"Mulder is my best friend"

Mulder with an "r" sound at the end.

"My dog's name is Mr. Fluffy-Wuffy."

"Moul-dah, I wanna have your baby. Right here, right now!" <begins passionate lurve scene>

"Scully, I've loved you ever since you threw that water in my face. Actually, it was when I picked you up wandering in the desert. Or was it when I dug out that thing from your spine? Or maybe it was when you got real paranoid during your pregnancy..."

"I've always believed in aliens, what the hell are you talking about?"

"Sure, I can melt into liquid metal. Wanna see?"

(Any dialogue from a Harlequin romance book, cut & paste "Doggett" & "Harrison" for the character names)

"I don't wanna do manly man things or chase crazy people any more--I wanna be a Las Vegas wedding singer!"

"What's that? You see a clue? You know what that means, don't you? We need our handy dandy <pulls it out> NOTEBOOK!"

"Scully, is that your real hair color?"

"Monica, how on earth did you get into the FBI?"

"Enough of staring intensely, I'm ready to deliver a smackdown!"

"Hey come in, we were just having Pina Coladas on the patio"

"...... you do the hokey-pokey and you turn youself around, that's what it's all about!"

"Hey Kersh, I'm going for some beers after work with Mon, wanna come?"

"Monica, Where can I get a copy of your Whale Song CD? I just love it!"

"I don't know, the Laura Ashley was always my favorite, but now Martha says to the look is monocrome..."

"Hey! you forgot my little umbrella! Who serves a Bahama Mama without a little umbrella!?"

"I'll have the Veggie Delite..."

"Hey Mon, do these pants make my butt look big?"

"Ooooooooh, is that the new Barry Manilow album? Oh, let's listen!"

"What's wrong with me wearing biker shorts and a tank top to work?"

"What's wrong with me wearing one of your dresses to work?"

"Steel Magnolias is... *sob* ...the greatest story ever told..."

"It's like.... you know... whatever!"

"Gone in 60 Seconds sucked ass!"

"I just love going to ballet performances!"

"I just love going to ballet class! I still need to work on my tour jete, though."

"I'm gonna go swimming. Where's my speedo?"

"Hey Muldah, do you think Scully would go for a man like me..."

"Scully, you think Muldah would go for a man like me?"

"You know what Follmer, you seem to like her a lot. Have her. Reyes is all yours."

"What do you mean my ears resemble Ross Perot's?"

(in a letter to Reyes) Will you be my girlfriend? Check this box: __Yes __No.

(singing in the car to the radio) "I like big butts and I cannot lie. You other brothers can't deny..."

"Scully, did you see my boxers?...What do you mean Mulder's borrowing them?"

"Hey, Mon, you mind if I borrowed your boxers?"

"Hey, Mon, you mind if I borrowed your panties?"


" that's when we realized we were out of KY and..."

"Monica, why are you leading?"

"Wow, when Mulder said Skinner was a pain in the ass he meant it literally."

"Where's the part at homie!?"

"Don't you EVER dis Martha Stewart, you sorry bastard!"

"Does this make my butt look big?"

"Does this make my breasts look big?"

"This one time, at band camp..."

" my wife finally agreed to getting that stupid mole removed and..."

"You know, I never realized just how pretty that new boy in accounting is..."

"That reminds me of a nickname my ex-marine buddies used to call me...Bunny."

*sings* "I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty, and witty, and gay!"

"We've got to get to Texas to investigate that rash of cow mutilations. But first -- the strippers!"

"Agent Muldah! I've got the perfect place for you bachelor's party..."

"I love you assistant director Skinner, we have this bond that nobody else has, will you marry me?"

*sings* "I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me"

[listening to music] "No, I'm sure this is a waltz, not a tango."

"Dana, William's baby clothes are adorable!"

[referring to William] "Isn't he precious?"

"I'm just more emotional than the average guy."

"I'll take my coffee with extra cream and sugar."

[in a restaurant] "I'll have a salad. Dressing on the side."

(Doggett standing in the X-Files office digging in the backside of his pants as Reyes enters the room) "Damn, I can't get this thong outta my ass!"

(Doggett staring up at the ceiling) "Why the hell are those pencils stuck up there anyway?"

(Doggett in a crowded elevator, when a strange odor begins to rise) "Ooh crap, shouldn't had that burrito with extra guacamole sauce!"

(Doggett to Scully) "Pull my finger!"

"I really dig those Lone gunmen"

"No really, I don't think it's weird that you're obsessed with the Brady Bunch Monica. I'm serious."

"What I really wanted to be was an interior designer."

*singing* "It's fun to play at the YMCA...In the navy."

"Monica don't you think the office would be nice in painted in salmon ?"

"Mulder, Scully, did you already have... you the office? Because with Mon we were thinking... but if you had already done it, that wouldn't be original."

"Filter sucks"


"Hi there cutie, wanna hang out with me and my dude Fox"

"Scully, I really don't think that hair length compliments you"

"Monica can I borrow your chapstick"

"I feel as if I've been sucked into a vortex of rage and despair"

"Can we hurry up this investigation, I have a tango class to get to"

"Hey Mon, like the suit?, it's Armani you know"

"Can't have too much take away food, it wrecks havoc on my diet"

"Dana, I have confession to make, I'm gay"

"Kersh! Can you PLEASE stop picking on me"

"Monica, can you go to the store and get me a bran muffin and a non fat yoghurt""

"Monica, can you run over and get me Midol. Im PMS'ing."

"Ohh, I always cry during that Hallmark commercial."

"That Brad, he really turns me on. Great buns."

"Nine Inch Nails are far too loud for my tatse, I prefer Nsync"

"Bartender! A white wine spritzer please! And a beer for the lovely lady."

"I really love wearing womens underwear."

"Weight training is for macho men not sensitive souls like moi!"

"Does this neck tie clash with this pink, floral shirt?"

"NO Monica, I can't stay late....SpongeBob Squarepants is on at eight!"

"Oh, no, the blue bear isn't Bedtime, it's Grumpy...what? I watched 'Care Bears' with Luke once in a while..."

"OK Ok, I believe all of you, Scully, Reyes, Mulder: Let's fight against the alien conspiracy, let's solve the unsolvable. By the way, I think I saw a UFO last night ..."

"Muldah...what do you think of spin the bottle?"

"I'm tired of protecting Scully"

"I love that new P.Diddy song"

"Mulder... make love to me"

"They are not green they are grey."

"Hey Mon wanna come with me to buy a poodle? I'm gonna name him Fluffy."

"Hey, Scully, I was thinking about having that botox thing done to take of these forehead wrinkles. You're a doctor, what do you think?"

"I was thinking about trading in my truck for a Toyota Echo. They get such good gas mileage."

Mulder: "Oprah. I watch a lot of Oprah."
Doggett: "Me too. I make sure and tape her when I'm at work. Did you see the one where they had that doctor that talked about menopause. Great show."

To starbucks barista: "I'll have a decafe grande latte, shot of sugar free vanilla, skim milk. No, better make that soy milk."

"Hey, Mulder. You wanna go out on a date with me? I figured we could catch the opera at the Kennedy center."

Hey, Phil, I'd like a trim and some blonde highlights.

Fox, I can't go to the Red Sox game with you. You know Friday is bingo night.

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