By Heidi / geored@aol.com EVOLUTION a.k.a. Firemen. I *love* firemen. / **I reserve the right to revise this review when the DVD comes out** IraBulges: Lost count after six. BulgeScale: 4 (out of 5, 5 being the best bulge around) Best Ira Attire: Fuck it! I can't choose! Don't make me choose! Shallow and Worthless Commentary: How do they expect me to count when the bulges are coming fast and furious?? Jesus! There were at least six in the first half hour! They slowed a bit after that, because David felt the need to leave his shirt untucked, dammit. He even had an interesting lump in his fireman's outfit. But the best ones were when they were in the cave with the students. Students of the bulge will note that it gets more interesting when there is a bit of room in the crotch....more is actually revealed, IMPO. Unfortunately, since I was viewing in a theater I can't remember when the very best one was....it was after the one with the students. I made a mental note...and look what happened. I can't remember the exact scene. His shirt was hanging out, but he lifted his arms or something and my reaction was along the lines of "Holy Shit!" Um, can we discuss the butt? I'm a penis girl, fer sure, but I do appreciate a truly fine ass on a man. Even very white, it was tight. I'm a poet...and I know it. I'm glad he appears to be mainly hairless....I'm not one for hairy butts. It goes without saying that for him, I would go for it if he DID have a hairy butt. Clothing, can we talk clothing? Would you believe my least favorite outfit was the military uniform? Shocking, I know. I would like him better in Navy dress whites or as a marine, but Army? Say no to green. Not that he looked bad...there wasn't a single bad look in the entire movie. It's just that the rest of his outfits were so....compelling. Blue jeans and a mock turtle neck. With brown leather and *boots*. Fuck me. Love the jacket. Blue jeans with tee and flannel? Whoa boy. This is like Casual!Mulder feastage. An interesting thing I note: even when he's wearing a suit, there is no trace of Mulder. Not even in the courtroom. Was it his carriage? Maybe. More likely that than the cut of the suit....although that's a possibility too. Hair? Love it. Very cute. It seems to change him slightly from handsome to a cutie pie. The lips were very apparent, too. Kissable. Basically, I just wanted to run my hands all over that boy and not stop for days and days. Analysis? What analysis? I'm a Gemini. You know that, right? Well, be prepared for a Gemini at her worst. Back story: Yesterday, the day this movie opened, was a BAD DAY. Nothing particularly bad happened, I just was extraordinarily tired and I had a headache. This is what I attribute my original reaction to this movie.....to. This is to what I attribute my original reaction to this movie. Fuck grammar. Back to the review. A chick in two rows behind me in my first viewing summed it up best: "there is nothing wrong with the acting in this movie, the acting is good. And the effects were great....but, man, Hollywood really needs to start paying attention to DIALOGUE. Maybe if I was 15 this movie would have been great instead of just okay." I sighed in sadness, nodding to myself. Then I yawned. I was fucking tired. Hey, that's why I was so underwhelmed by this movie! I was tired. I can't dislike a David Duchovny movie, I just *can't*, I whispered to myself. How could I feel so disappointed when he looked so fucking hot? I mean, fucking sizzling, riphisclothesoffwithyourteeth HOT. Every freakin' shot was gorgeous, his acting was great.....he's an all around studmuffin! Anyway, I shuffled sadly out of the theater, and yawned my way over to Rafferty's right next to the theater to have some dinner and wait for the next showing. I'm alone....maybe that's why I'm not into it, I thought. Remember Galaxy Quest? You hated that the first time you saw it and then rolled on the floor laughing when you saw it with your sisters. With a new spring in my step I hopped onto the barstool and ordered a Sam Adams. I always drink that....and Ira drinks it too. Interesting thing happened at Rafferty's. Sidebar: So, I'm sitting there getting extremely annoyed by the men sitting near me at the bar. Loud, obnoxious, happy hour men. Puh-lease. The bartender is this sweet, big guy....I mean tall, dark, sorta handsome. Too young, but oh well. He thinks that, since I'm alone, he should start up a conversation, despite the fact that I am scribbling notes in a notebook for my review. He asks if I'm going to see a movie. I say yup. He asks what. I ask him to shut the hell up, I'm having a DAY. Kidding. I say "Evolution" and leave it at that. He looks perplexed for a brief moment and says, "Oh...." and I finish with "...David Duchovny." He says yeah, he wants to see that and then he says, "Have you heard of this movie Return To Me?" Stunned with delight, I say, very casually "Why, yes, I have." He goes on to explain that someone got him a DVD player as a *wedding gift* and that they had also had given him that particular little gem of a DVD. He *loved* it. He goes on to rave about David, saying that Tom Cruise is just Tom Cruise in every movie, but David *is* the character, he *acts*. I'm preening at this point. I say, "You know, he centers his character in his cock, he acts with his whole body." Kidding. I only said the second part. (Note to the readers: I was *very* cool, this guy had no idea that I drool over David on a daily....scratch that, hourly basis ). I just found this whole thing to be thrilling. I perked up some, and then went to my second viewing. Sadly, the movie did not fare much better on my second viewing. Both times I left the theater with a big ole smile on my face, but.....well, there were just problems. There were lines spoken by the three men that made me cringe. I don't know that I can really put my finger on the exact problems. It's kinda like a lot of the other reviews I've been reading – they give the movie a low score, yet they can't seem to say anything really bad about it. What's up with that? I have no idea. Maybe after David's last outing I had extremely high hopes. RTM was SO fucking good, I loved it so very much, maybe I was just destined for disappointment. And maybe I was just exhausted. Don't get me wrong, there were things I loved. I love the shopping mall, in particular that thing they do with their guns right after shooting the alien bird. That made me warm. I loved the singing in the jeep scene, even though I wish they would have kept the cut that was in the trailer. I LOVED David running off with Julianne at the end. How adorable was that face that was sticking out the window of the fire truck. I loved David with Orlando all the time....great chemistry, as reported. And I loved the kissing. And I could watch that naked, white boy butt only several hundred times. However, when David yelled, "Let go of my friend, you big sphincter" I wanted to DIE. Just curl up and die. This was the only David line in the movie that I just wanted to rewind and erase. I think I started rocking and moaning. See, this is NOT my kind of movie even when they are supposedly well done to the point that all the critics are raving. I thought American Pie was *stoopid* and I hated Meet the Parents with a passion. I hated it so much that I almost couldn't watch it. It's not that Evolution is the same sort of comedy as these two, it's just that I think I've gotten very comedy selective in my ripe old age of 39. I think this movie was skewed towards the younger set. And the younger set in my theater seemed to really enjoy it. Don't get me wrong....regardless of what this movie does in terms of box office; I don't think this will hurt David in the slightest. Unlike some assholes in the XF fandom, most people realize that he was *good* in this movie, the movie just wasn't that good to him. That last part is my opinion. Considering that he's only had three non-XF movies in the last 8 years, I think he's just fine and dandy. In fact, he's mimicking George Clooney's career right after he left ER. A little romance, a little action (with similar results).....only in David's case, his romance did a whole lot better, critically and (I think) commercially. Anyway, as I was saying, I walked out of the theater still bummed out. Our boy did an excellent job, acting wise, but he deserves a better vehicle than this. But, them's the breaks. That's the way the cookie crumbles. My mother asked me why I thought he did this movie. And, having seen it twice, I said that not only did he want to work with this director, but I thought that (despite the subject matter) it went a long way to show that he is NOT Mulder. When David said the resemblance to Mulder/XF was superficial, he wasn't kidding. This was a whole different guy. I'm proud of his performance....I just wish the whole thing had turned out as well. And then I slept. For a really long time. I got up, I cleaned the house then reverted to laziness. Fully rested, I went to the late show. Hot damn! That movie improves quite a bit when you're fully relaxed. I have to say I enjoyed it quite a bit the third time around. I almost did a little happy dance in the parking lot, I was so happy. It still has its problems, but I was entertained and I only cringed once (that damn sphincter line). All in all, I really liked it. I imagine that it will get even better with continued viewage. I will test that theory, trust me. He's so hot, that I just gotta watch. I guess what it boils down to is that if your audience is in a good mood, they will enjoy this movie. But, if it were a *really* good movie, they could be in a bad mood and be uplifted....cheered up....whatever. This movie made me happy when I was in the mood to appreciate it....I was entertained and I laughed. But it wasn't good enough to pull me out of the black hole that was Friday. Is that too much to ask of a movie? I have no idea. But I do know that other movies have done that to me. Return to Me being the most recent example.