"A Texas Funeral"- 

I had seen a review for the 8th season premier of The X-Files 
wherein the reviewer commented that "if you squint real hard 
and listen carefully" Robert Patrick looks/sounds exactly like 
a younger version of Martin Sheen. Well, that's convenient 
because they play father and son in this movie. 

Robert plays Zach Whit. It takes a while to get used to his 
Texas accent (how'r y'all doin'?) and until I did, I laughed my 
damn head off. It's not necessarily the voice I found funny; it 
was the voice combined with the expressions and gestures that 
made him look like a fricken' hillbilly! After a while his 
expressions/gestures went back to normal (for RP) and it wasn't 
so bad anymore. It's possible that he falls out of this accent 
for parts of the movie (I'm sure it happens to all of the best 
actors in Hollywood) but it is impossible to tell since his 
normal accent is *also* southern.

The story focuses on Zach's son, Little Sparta (Martin Sheen is
big Sparta). Early on in the movie Little Sparta calls to his 
father from across the lobby of the funeral parlor and Zach 
tells him "boy you've got to shut up sometimes!" So from that 
point on the boy stops talking. Old Sparta then begins to 
appear to Little Sparta in his new spirit form and tells him 
the history of the Whit family - going back to Little Sparta's 
great-great-great grandfather. 

There is a cute scene where Zach shows Little Sparta the family 
gun collection - telling the story behind each one - and we see, 
via a sort of flashback, what *really* happened. It shows how 
stories can morph from one generation to the next; the 
humiliation turned to heroism and the mistakes turned to 
"accidents." 

Be warned, there is a bizarre little side story that is rather 
disturbing. Suffice it to say that Old Sparta's wife (Zach's 
mother) is a total wacko. 

This movie was recommended to me by my buddy L.M. Shard, who 
knows me better than I'd rather admit. :o) It really is a good 
movie. 

Some scenes in particular to look for: Walter (the Vietnam vet 
son of a Whit slave) giving an oscar-caliber speech in front of 
the bathroom mirror, the gun collection scene mentioned above, 
the "toe tickler" scene (you'll know it when you see it), the 
scene with the tree and the second-to-last scene with Little 
Sparta and Robert E (the camel) alone in the barn (I would 
explain these last two better, but I don't want to ruin them.) 

On a side note, if the actress who plays RP's wife looks 
familiar, that might be because she played Mel, Niles' long-
time girlfriend on Fraiser. At least, that's how I recognized 
her. I haven't seen her in anything else that I know of. 

Probably the best RP line I've heard so far is in this movie. 
It's not original, but it's still good: "Man spends half of his
life trying to understand women and the other half trying to 
forget what he's learned!"

~Diandra Hollman