"Spy Kids"


I don't know about you, but I want some of whatever Robert 
Rodriguez was on when he did this movie. Imagine Men in Black 
as a kid's movie set to high speed and you have a pretty good 
idea of what Spy Kids is like.

It's very short - 88 minutes - and I can't help but think that 
this is because it is designed for children with Attention 
Deficit Hyperactive Disorder. Everything moves at such a fast 
clip that if you try to take the time to think you quickly 
become lost. Not that it matters, really, because it follows 
the set pattern of every kids movie ever made.

Okay, plot. Gregorio and Mrs. Cortez are kiddnapped by a couple 
of raving loony bins who are plotting to take over the world, 
as all raving loony bins with financial backing are apt to do. 
Now it's up to their children - Carmen and Juny - to drag their 
butts out of the fire. 

I will now stop talking about the plot and start talking about 
what I actually paid attention to - the acting. Well...the 
act*ors* anyway...

When this movie came out originally I recognized only two cast 
members: Antonio Banderas and Robert Patrick (the latter only 
because of my love for the X-Files). Therefore, I was surprised 
(but not at all disappointed) to see Cheech Marin, Teri Hatcher, 
Tony Shaloub and a cameo by a big-name actor that is supposed 
to be a surprise so I won't tell you who he is. Okay, it's 
George Clooney, but you didn't hear it from me.

All of these people seem to be having a blast by pretty much 
making a complete fool of themselves. One of the perks of 
kid's movies I guess. And yet it makes them look better than 
any "Somebody give me a damn award!" performance could. Maybe 
because there's not as much pressure involved. 

Anyway.

Let's start with Antonio (Gregorio Cortez). He starts off 
playing the ex-spy turned geeky-looking father. But those big 
puppy-dog eyes make me just want to melt and I've never even 
given him a second glance before! (He's a good actor and a 
real sweetie, but...well, let's just say that he was never the 
one I was drooling over while watching "Interview with the 
Vampire") Yet, when he loses the glasses and becomes his former 
"lady killer" self...I think my pulse rate just sped up a 
little.

Ahem. Moving on.

Cheech Marin (Uncle somethingorother. He's only in the movie 
for, like, five minutes, so it's not like it matters). Why the 
heck did I even mention him? I've seen him in, like, one 
television show and I don't even remember what show that was! 
He always plays the same character anyway, right? Heck, I have 
no idea...

Now for the bad guys. I don't know what it is about the 
antagonists in kid's movies. They are just...fun. Look at Glen 
Close in 101 Dalmations - I bet she had a *blast* playing that 
character. There's something about the stereotypical villan 
that is just so appealing. I find myself cackling happily just 
*listening* to the song "Rubber" on the Quest for Camelot 
soundtrack. My point being that I got the distinct impression 
that these people felt the same way.

Teri Hatcher (Ms Gradenko). Hey, who knew she could act? Like I 
said, the no pressure thing works wonders. Of course, I've 
always wondered if the problem was not her acting talent (or 
lack thereof) but the particular roles she took. Or maybe she's 
just a natural at acting over-the-top and should stick to 
kiddie movies from now on. Whatever.

Tony Shaloub (Alexander Minion), who proves that he doesn't have 
to do much to conceal his identity. He just puts on a pair of 
glasses and speaks very softly and I don't have a clue who he 
is. He plays the brains of the whole evil plan. I've never seen 
him play the bad guy before, but after seeing him laughing 
maniacally at his evil genius in this movie (and combining that 
with the character he played in the unfortunately short-lived 
series "Stark Raving Mad") I think it suits him pretty well.

Robert Patrick (Mr. Lisp). You might want to pull up a chair, 
this could take a while. 

First of all, I never thought the man looked particularly good 
in a suit, but I think I've changed my mind. Light blue or 
grey suits look really slick on him. There goes my pulse 
again...

Second, why is it that such a forgettable character happens to 
be the head-honcho of the evil bad guys? I remembered Rpcrazy 
saying that when she mentioned Mr. Lisp to her students after 
they saw the movie they just gave her a blank stare. So, when 
the 8-year-old at the place I work - who I will refer to as 
"Katie" (not her real name) - mentioned Spy Kids I tried the 
same experiment. I got the same dang blank stare. What is up 
with that?

Third, is it just me or does he seem to be having a little too 
much fun playing the short-tempered bossy character? He's good 
at it - almost too good. He looks like the employer from hell. 
I wonder if he got his inspiration from anybody in 
particular...

And lastly, I remember Robert saying something about his kids 
knowing that their dad is an actor because they've seen Spy 
Kids. Picture this: you're not quite five years old (maybe a 
lot younger in fact). You're watching daddy play the evil bad 
guy who plans to rule the world using an army of robot 
children. I'm sure *I* would be having nightmares.

Then again, I may also be embarrassed to see my father getting 
beaten up by kids no older than eight. So much for "my daddy 
can beat up your daddy"...

Finally, Gregorio and Mr. Lisp come face to face. Hubba 
hubba...I begin to wonder if I may have a heart attack before 
the movie is over. But alas, the moment is short lived. More's 
the pity.

But just when I think I'm home free, in comes George Clooney. 
DEAR GOD, SOMEBODY HOSE ME DOWN QUICK!

In closing I would like to say that I'm not usually like this. 
I blame it on a sudden, unexpected surge of hormones. I saw 
"Signs" the next day, where I fully expected to need a bib to 
collect all the drool produced at the sight of Mel Gibson's 
beautiful baby blues. What I *didn't* expect, however, was to 
suddenly look at Jaoquin Phoenix and think "Ooo...he's hot!"

This was the point when I started eating a *lot* of chocolate.

Oh, and I showed "Katie" a picture of Robert from an issue of 
Entertainment Weekly a couple weeks later and asked her if she 
recognized him. Here's a rough idea of how the conversation 
went:

Me: He was in "Spykids".

"Katie": Are you sure?

Me: (blink) Yeah...

"Katie": He was a bad guy?

Me: Yes. He was the one wearing a blue suit.

"Katie": (pause) Was he the doctor?

Me: No. The doctor worked for him.

"Katie": Did he turn into a good guy at the end?

Me: No. He's the one that got thrown around by the kids a lot.

"Katie": Was he the father?

Me: *He* wasn't a bad guy! How about this - he was the guy who 
ordered the kids to "tear them limb from limb".

"Katie": Huh?

Me: (smashing forehead on table) Never mind.

"Katie": Was he the guy sitting in the "hand" chair?

Me: YES!!!!

"Katie": Oh. 

She probably should have just stuck with her first answer. When 
I asked if she knew who he was she said "Yeah, he's the guy you 
like." 

Snerk.


~Diandra Hollman